Islamic Scholars Can Give Sex Tips Too!

A Muslim (in my opinion, dumb ass asks a scholar)

 I want to know whether it is correct for couples to sleep naked in the night. And how many times in 24 hours can a husband and wife have intercourse is there anything specified in Islam and medical point of view is there any restriction that it effects ones health and he /she feels tired? How to know whether wife got the orgasm after male's ejaculation because in one of your Fatwa you stated that females get orgasm in more time than males ejaculate. Is it allowed to put fingers in wife's vagina during foreplay? Please don't quote with any other Fatwa tell separately. After the birth of the child after how many days couple can have intercourse?

(First I will point out what dumb idiocy is presented here. These questions are all taught in high school and are common knowledge. Before the pedo…I mean scholar gives his enlightenment I will answer the questions.)

1.       There is nothing wrong with going all nude in the night

2.       You can have sex as much as you want in the night depending on the consent of both parties. Sex is good and it burns calories. If you want to go at it multiple times in the night then good on you.

3.       You know a woman has orgasmed because she’ll squirt or scream really loud when her climax comes and she’ll shudder. Some women will tell you as they will say “Oh God I’m gonna cum. Oh baby I’m cumming.’ If she is screaming really loud and her vagina is exceptionally wet you know an orgasm is on the way.

4.       Yes you can put your fingers up there and a lot of other things up there too ;). Perhaps you will find the G-spot. She’ll go through the roof.

5.       The quran says you cannot have sex with a woman while she is on her period. After childbirth a woman has post-natal bleeding which can last from six to eight weeks.

And the pedo…I mean scholar replies:

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger. We ask Allaah to exalt his mention as well as that of his family and all his companions.

(If only you followed that eh?)

Spouses can sleep naked and can see nude each other as we mentioned in our Fatwa82530 and 87404. (Well Abdullah Bin Magic Carpet, sounds better than the fatwa issued by the Grand Mufti of Egypt.)

There is no limitation in enjoying one's wife. One may have sex according to his ability as long as it does not cause harm to him or his wife. We advise you to consult any trustworthy doctor in this matter.  For more information, please read Fataawa 90366and 84944. (Yes doctors are good but I am sure the karma sutra should suffice.)

One may insert his left-hand finger in his wife's vagina but it is not advisable as we mentioned in our Fatwa 87972. (There is nothing wrong with putting your fingers in her kitty no matter which hand. You need to arouse her before you stick your pipi in her gigi.)

After childbirth one can not have sex with his wife before she has completely stopped bleeding. See Fatwa 81879.

Allaah Knows best.

(Basically what I said and I am just a young university student. You do not need to go to a scholar for these things. You get this knowledge from education, friends, doctors and sex experts.)

We know you don’t worship Allah.

Source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=91828

Islamic Scholars Think It is Better for Women's Vaginas to Get Cancer

A Muslim Asks a Scholar

ssalamu Alaikum wa Rathmatullahi wa Barakatu I have been told by sisters that it is not permissible for a woman to have a routine cervical smear test unless there are signs of disease showing. This is due to the fact that the test is an invasive one, needing the nurse or doctor to insert something similar to a long cotton bud in through the vagina to the cervix(womb)-(You must have failed anatomy. The cervix is not the womb.) and taking a sample. Signs of cancer in the womb , usually mean that the cancer has spread, whereas a test can detect any changes in the cells of the cervix before it becomes canerous. In my family, there is a history of cervical cancer, which puts me at risk of developing cancer

(Those sisters sounds like insecure ninnies with smelly rotting fish sticks they have the nerve to call pussies. Pap Smears are a highly encouraged obligatory part of a vaginal check-up. You don’t get a Pap Smear when you have the signs of cancer. You continuously get it done so that any signs of cancer can be dealt with before it is too late and to make sure your vagina is healthy. Leaving it unchecked when you are sexually active is very risky.)

And the pedo…ahem I mean scholar replies:

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad  is His slave and Messenger.

(Oh save it we know you don’t follow either.)

It is not permissible to expose one’s 'Awrah (parts of the body that must be covered in Islam) except in case of necessity or a dire need. Just believing that one has a disease or wanting to make sure about being safe from the disease is not a sound reason for revealing one’s 'Awrah. This prohibition is even more confirmed if the 'Awrah is the private parts. However, if a trustworthy Muslim doctor determines that there is a high possibility of being affected by the disease and there is a dire need for carrying out this periodic test, then we hope that this is permissible.

(No. It is perfectly permissible to show your vagina to a range of people. Other women, family members-as stated in the Quran, beauticians, medical personnel and of course your spouse.  It is not in cases for ‘dire need.’ The vagina needs regular check-ups to make sure it is free from infection, disease and cancer especially if one is sexually active, reaching old age or pregnant. Trustworthy Muslim Doctor? Any qualified and well respected doctor should suffice to give you this medical check-up especially if you are at high risk. Perhaps this woman should go to a female doctor instead of talking to this imbecile who clearly has no knowledge about vaginas and vaginal problems.)

In carrying out the test, the female doctor comes in priority over the male doctor, and the female Muslim doctor comes in priority over a female non-Muslim doctor. Besides, it is not permissible to show the 'Awrah more than what the necessity requires.

For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 90424 and 84882.

(Most women do prefer a female doctor but it does not really matter. Male or female are required by law to act in a sophisticated and professional manner. A Muslim doctor takes no priority over the non-Muslim doctor. They both have the same degrees so it shouldn’t matter what religion the doctor is. Frankly in a professional environment their religions and yours is no one’s business. Showing the awrah for necessity=medical check-ups, cleanliness with beauticians, bathing with other women in public houses, spreading eagle on the bed for your spouse etc etc. Common sense.)

Finally, it should be noted that the strongest reason for the prevention from every evil or harm is relying on Allaah and earnestly asking Him for good health because it is He Who afflicts a person with diseases and it is He Who provides the cure and good health.

Allaah Knows best.

(That doesn’t mean a woman is to slack off and let her vagina become an incubus for crotch rotting diseases. Allah expects you to take care of yourself with your own effort not bore him with your pleas for him to take care of everything.)

And Allah knows best

He certainly knows that you and the questionnaire are both retards. 

Source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=118326

Islamic Fatwa on Rape-Women's Testimonies Do Not Count

A muslim asks a scholar:

A 14 yr old girl has accused her father of sexually abuse since the age of 9 and also of rape. The mother of the girl says the father has admitted the abuse but not the rape. The father is now flatly denying that anything happened and says the mother has misunderstood what he said. The girl is still adamant that it all took place and by the way the man is on bail. How would this be dealt with according to Islamic law?

And the pedo…ahem I mean scholar replies:

All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad is His slave and Messenger.

(Not your Allah or Prophet)

It is an abominable sin that a father sexually abuses his daughter and it is even more abominable if he rapes her. If he does so with any girl, it is strictly forbidden, let alone him doing so with his own daughter.

(Wonderful , he got the first part right)

However, it is not permissible to accuse the father of rape without evidence. Indeed, the Sharee’ah put some special conditions for proving Zina (fornication or adultery) that are not required in case of other crimes. The crime of Zina is not confirmed except if the fornicator admits it, or with the testimony of four trustworthy men, while the testimony of women is not accepted.

(Well hadither women what do you think? Your testimony is not accepted. No form of witnessing anything will help you in Sharia Law. )

Hence, the statement of this girl or the statement of her mother in itself does not Islamically prove anything against the father, especially that the latter denies it.

(In other words two women witnesses to a crime does not mean a thing even when the guilty prick denies it. In other words if you’re a hadither man and some women accuse you of a crime, all you need to do is deny it and you're off scot free.)

Therefore, if this daughter has no evidence to prove that her accusations are true, she should not have claimed that she was raped by her father and she should not have taken him to the court. But if what she says is true, then she has the right to ask for protection from him even by taking him to the court so that he would not continue committing this evil or practice more sinful acts with her. In this case, she would claim his dissoluteness and her fear of his evil so that she will be kept apart from him.

 (Obviously if she didn’t have evidence she wouldn’t be going to court ney? You don’t get to court without evidence. She also has the right to see him thoroughly punished for being an incestuous paedophile not just be apart from him. In fact he should be apart from her. Locked with up with Big Bubba in cell 36D.)

Allaah Knows best.

(You mean your satan pig God Buki is rotting in hell?)
Source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=156817